Tuesday, October 02, 2012

Failed Adoption

(I mentioned in the last post that we were in Florida for Iain’s birthday, but I didn’t say why. It’s a story that, for us, doesn’t have a happy ending.)

Dear Baby S,
We got the call on a Friday. Three weeks and three days ago, we first heard about you. You had been born the Sunday before, and you needed a home. I spoke at length to the social worker, and it seemed so perfect. Everything you needed, we were. Everything your birth mom wanted, we were. Even down to your name, which your birth mom wanted you to keep. It was perfect. We were so happy. We so wanted to be your parents, and we thought we would be. We would leave the next day to come and get you. To bring you home.

We went to dinner that night at our friends’ home. Everyone who was there either has adopted or is adopting, and they were so excited. While we were there, I texted with your birth mom a few times. Then she sent me your picture. I was so happy to see you for the first time. You’re beautiful, S. I showed your picture to our friends, and they agreed. The dinner was a joyful, wonderful, happy time. They would have loved to meet you, to hold you.

Late that night we got a call from those same friends. They showed up at our door with diapers, gift cards, sweet baby girl clothes, a blanket, a soft toy. They are such sweet friends to share in our joy that way.

Saturday, we drove the next day to Florida. As we drove, we talked about your name: would we make your birth mom’s choice you first or middle name? What would we call you? We thought about how we’d have to get a luggage rack in order to fit your carseat in the van. We talked about your birth mom, and I she and I texted back and forth all day. We were so happy as we made phone calls, talked to the social worker, told our families what was going on.

Sunday morning, my mom, Laina and I went shopping for a dress for you, to match the shoes in the puzzle picture. We found a sweet one.

Sunday night, we met you...what can I even say about that? Your birth mom is amazing, and you are precious, valuable, priceless.

Tuesday we learned that you weren’t ours.

Wednesday, we returned the dress. 

Thursday we came home without you.

I pray for you still, sweet S. I pray that your mommy and daddy know Jesus and teach you about Him. That you are happy and loved. I’m sure you are. 

You weren’t our daughter, but we wish you were. I grieve not being your mama; I wanted to be. And I also grieve the loss of relationship with your birth mom. She loves you so much, and she's so special. I wanted to be in her life.

Someday, we will bring our baby home, and we will understand what I hope you are already experiencing: that this was how it was meant to be. But we won’t forget you or your birth mom. We know already at least one good thing that came out of this: so many people were praying for your birth mom and you, during a time that was probably the hardest in your lives. Our church was praying. Our families were praying. If we had to go through this in order for you and your birth mom to have so many people lifting you up to the Father during this time, it was worth it. She is worth it. You are worth it.

Adoption is such a mix of joy and grief. Right now, ours is the grief. Yours is the joy--and I hope for you that it is always true, that you grow up strong, joy-filled, loving, and loved. 

Prayers and blessings, sweet baby.

This is one of the harder posts to publish. I have been sad...and I don't really want to put that "out there." I'd much rather keep it private. But I was reading posts by other people who had experienced failed adoptions, and was helped by them. So in an effort to somehow "not waste our failed adoption" (see John Piper's "Don't Waste Your Cancer", points 7 & 10), I figured I'd better share--to the glory of God and the comfort of others. This is a start, at least.


Anonymous said...

Beautifully written, Allie. Have you on my heart often and am continuing to pray for God's healing and comfort.


La Dolce Vita: The Sweet Life said...

Ugh. So very sorry to read this. I am sure that you are heartbroken. I appreciate your vulnerability.

Erin Carson said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is one that is not easy. My heart is with you and your family. Keep your dear ones close to you. Mine helped me get through it. Lean on them and take care of yourself.

Lindy said...

I so hate this for you. Praying for my future niece... And the one I almost had. :) Love you!!

Keri said...

Ooooooh Allie. I am so deeply sorry. Praying for you as you navigate all the conflicting emotions that comes with something like this. Trusting and doubting. Trying to be happy and fighting the sorrow. Pulling yourself together and falling apart... Grieving is hard. Many prayers and much love to you.

Keri A.

julieamazed said...

Reading about this loss to your family pains my heart with just a touch of the sadness and disappointment you must be feeling full force. The way your enduring faith in God's sovereignty and your love for others pushes through the grief is such a beautiful reminder for everyone you know that walking close to the Lord means praising Him when He gives and when He takes away. I know that this difficult story will comfort others who have had a similar loss or just need a reminder of what faith looks like. I miss you, Allie, and am praying for y'all.

Shannon said...

So, so sorry Allie for your loss. One of those so very hard "gifts" that we don't understand, but know God will use for your good, your family's good, baby S's good, and for His glory. Trusting Him and beseeching the Father for the one who IS yours to find you soon.
Tight hugs!

Mrs said...

How we love you . . .